Does the Magic Happen When You Stop Giving Advice?

Don’t worry, I’m not talking about financial advice here… It’s the unsolicited advice you sometimes can’t help but give when someone comes to you with a personal issue that I want to examine here.

Let’s think back…

Last time someone told you they, for example, weren’t finding time to exercise/eat healthily/stop working out of hours etc. Was one of your responses “when that happened to me I… “ or “I do … X,Y, Z”? Did you give them space to talk around the issue and reflect for themselves, or did you jump in?

I know I’m writing this for a community of incredibly supportive women, willing to mentor and nurture those in need of guidance. So, I wanted start by saying there’s no judgement here, I’m guilting of it for sure!

Ruminating on this topic just came to me recently when I ran into a friend in the park who was considering leaving her job. We talked through her pros and cons, she explained her reasons, and I asked her if she had any allies at work, she could talk it through with before taking the leap. We ended the walk, said goodbye, and she went off. I thought she was still as undecisive as before.

Lo and behold, she came back to me a couple of days later saying she’s handed her notice in after our chat, and the one person at work she considered an ally responded to her issues with no support and the declaration “well, lots of people want your job”. If that’s not clarification she’s done the right thing – what is!

Now not to go deep into this but I qualified as a life coach earlier this year. However, I endeavour not to treat conversations with friend and family as coaching sessions unless it’s been asked for. On contemplation, I wondered if I’d inadvertently coached my friend, and is this style of my communication now instinctual? Or did I give advice and influence her decision?

Looking back to that chat, the only thing I did was make sure not to ask “Why?” because coaching teaches asking “why?” can trigger a defence mechanism in reply.

So, what can we do going forward? Not immediately worrying about your conversation style is a must. You are all fabulous, unique, and empowered. Just now, as life goes on, maybe have an ear to all the conversations you overhear when someone jumps in with unwelcome advice. I’m surrounded by friends who say immediately after their pregnancy announcements, everyone’s a know all about what is right and wrong for their bodies and in parenting.

Let’s just ask ourselves first, is our “advice” wanted? Is it asked for?

It ultimately might not be… so my only life coach tip (if you’re open to receiving it and it’s wanted) is….

Before you jump in ready to “help”, ask the person, “Can I make a suggestion?” and if they say no, just listen.